Friday, July 22, 2005

Session - Parenting -caring - honesty, Cont.

If you have made mistakes, even serious ones,
there is always another chance for you.
What we call failure is not the falling down
but the staying down.
-- Mary Pickford --

The Guys:
OK, so with no blame or criticism involved here, let's just look at the data.

You have one powerful daughter. Can you see that, at her Mother's knee, she learned that women are supposed to be a certain way? She learned to operate in ways that have turned her into a manipulator rather than a co-operator. Do you understand what we mean by that?

Client: I think so, I mean I can see it happening.

The Guys:
So it's that space of using her power to get other people do things for her, rather than using her power to get what she wants for herself.

Client: O.K. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. I see that...because it's worked. I've responded to that.

The Guys:
Of course! So that's taking the innate natural power that she's got and turning it into weakening her. It would take her much much less energy, to make things happen for herself, then to get other people to make them for her. But... she doesn't have that as a natural response system. The clearer that you are about that, the less guilty you will feel and the easier it will be for you to respond honestly.

Historically, within your society, most people have not understood that you can say "No"... and with a smile and an open heart, even say "Who do you think I am, your slave?" You can do that without feeling malice or victimization. And, you can call someone on their nonsense without being remotely disrespectful or mean spirited.

Client: Yes exactly, I know I have occasionally said to my children, when they were going through a crappy stage, "look, I love you, that's a given, nothing's ever going to change that no matter what you do, but that doesn't mean I like you right now, or like you're behavior".

The Guys:
Yes, so you already have some of that.

Client: I have been so dependent on their love, all my life, (as I said in the beginning when I first started talking to you), that's how I set my life up. OK, I have these children and they have to love me. I have been so dependent, up until now, on them loving me and liking me.

The Guys:
And that holds true for other people in your life as well. So it's a useful place for you to really think about what we said at the beginning. Remember?..."What people think, what people want, what people say about you,.. it's not about you, it's about them. It's not information about you, it's information about them."

And if you get clear about that, then you really get an opportunity to see how people are functioning and what the world looks like through their eyes. Having that independence really allows you to very easily have detachment, and then be capable of, very cleanly and simply, giving them the gift of your vantage point. Meaning:
What the world looks like from where you stand.
What their behavior feels like from where you stand.
What their potential looks like from where you stand.
And you can do all that without feeling an inclination to hold back and protect them from you.

So it all keeps coming back to the same little pieces, can you see that? The part of you that wants to really be able to tell the truth, has to first feel comfortable knowing the truth about you.

In order to do that, you have to get comfortable with the fact that you are neurotic. Well- Duh! And, "so what?" How could you possibly have escaped becoming neurotic in this culture? All right? So you're neurotic! Big deal. Your children are neurotic, you're employers are neurotic, your teachers are neurotic. If you don't see any shame in that for yourself, then you are going to be very comfortable with other people's neurosis and not be inclined to protect them from yours.

So do you kind of see what we are getting at here? If you start from the premise that you're neurotic and so is everyone else, "so what?". You're prejudiced and so are others, "so what?". You're confused and confusing, and so are others, "so what?". Then it just becomes a matter of naming the particular neurosis and prejudice. "This is my prejudice, I don't like to be around people that use that kind of language." or "I don't like to be around that much energy." or "I am not wild about this pressure." or "I would really prefer not to do that. I don't know why, I don't how, I don't care, I just don't want to." It all becomes reasonable... rather than have to justify it, as if you weren't neurotic, weren't confused, and weren't prejudiced.

Client: That's a muscle that I'm going to have to learn to use.

The Guys:
Do you want to?

Client: Yes!

The Guys:
Excellent, isn't that interesting? When you want to do something, ... "have to" takes on a different meaning and it isn't ominous. This is what it's going to take for you to get what you want, AND it actually could be fairly entertaining.

Try to really look at your reality... meaning:
Who you are, Who you're children are, Who you're employers are, Who these people are.. these men in you're life.

Look from an understanding that everyone is equally powerful at a soul level, and that there is no hierarchy in terms of capacity or vulnerability. Then you can see that your children picked you because they wanted the experience of being with you when you went through these things. They knew that they would not get Donna Reed. Do you understand? Donna Reed who was married and everything was Hunky Dory and everyone lived happily ever after.

Your children knew it was not going to be that way. They knew that you would to be going through difficult emotional times and that it would impact on them. They wanted to be impacted that way. As they watch you change, can you see how useful it is for them to learn that they too can change their minds and start operating in a different way? And that can happen even though they have been operating in a certain way for a long long time. They're getting to watch you do that and really see it. If you can change, they can change.

So if you use that kind of filter, and look at everyone in your life, you can see them as being actively engaged in a process for themselves. You actually facilitate their process by just being who you are, exactly as you are, no changes. Which means that the way you have been in the past has served everyone that has met you. They wanted you that way. If not, they would not have shown up at that point in your life.

Now, as you are making these shifts for yourself in your own being, there will be people showing up in your life who want to be engaged with you at each particular stage. So there's no one that you can harm. No one will show up who doesn't want you exactly the way that you are at that stage, and even that moment. Your children, especially, want to go through this transformative process with you. It's truly useful for them.

Excellent. All right, it's our pleasure as always...and good day.


At 8:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just have to comment on the words of the guys a bit previous to here:
Seeing life through the eyes of others has been often a real problem for me. Decisions are diffcult to come to when you see things in more than one perspective. Realities blurr and one can't be so sure of "doing the right thing"! I tend to get "paralyzed" and unable to make decisions. I wish I could see things through just my eyes!


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